Monday, June 22, 2009

Three days

Today June 22nd is my son's birthday, this year we spent some time with him, will be taking him out to eat later this week. In 1995 on Thursday, June 22nd, I don't think I talked to him. I had other things on my mind and he understood.
On June 24th of this year some dear friends of ours will celebrate a 14th wedding anniversary. On Saturday June 24th 1995, my dear husband had to smile bravely and be the best man at their wedding, even tho he didn't want to be there. But he went because I told him to go, I needed to be alone and I had some things to help do.
I skipped a day in there didn't I?? June 23rd. It's funny, I remember those 3 days, every minute of those days.
Went to the hospital early on the 23rd, Patti was having surgery to have a shunt put in her brain, it was filling with fluid...the cancer had spread...maybe this would help relieve some pressure. Got there and for some reason I knew we all had to see her before she went to surgery, it was important and I didn't know why. We saw her, we kissed her and then waited for what seemed like all day. I had to get home, we were hosting the rehearsal dinner at our house for our friends, I had decorating to do and food to get ready...funny how we all had someplace we had to go, so after the surgery we all said our goodbyes...Love you kiddo..see you words has I walked out of the room.
Went home, started getting things ready. Bonnie and Rich did some errands and then went out on the pontoon boat for a while, Susi went home and did some things, My Mom went home and started making strawberry freezer jam. Normal things, everyday things. Then Bonnie got the phone call.
By the time they got to my house guest had arrived and were gathered in the yard. People were laughing and smiling. I was in the kitchen getting some more rolls to take out when the back door opened, when I saw Bonnie, for a second I couldn't understand why she was there, then I saw my Mom, I knew. They say one of the stages of grieve is denial, it is. I just kept saying no, don't say it, don't tell me...sounds strange but ya know, I heard someone say "Linda, it's ok, think about Mom" ( Bonnie swears she never said it, but I know who did) with those words I calmed down, the rest of the night, I guess it's all blurred together, the hospital, hugs and tears and not wanting to face what was ahead. But I did...While my dear hubby was doing his best to be standing up for his best friend, I was helping my brother-in-law pick out a casket and the right words to say about my sister for the newspaper. Strength I never knew I had, I found.
14 years, wow! Sometimes I don't think about Patti being gone, it's not a daily thought, am I wrong for that, should I feel guilty because everyday I don't consciously think of her. I hope not. I really don't think Patti would want me to do that. She loved and lived everyday of her life to the fullest...she "Filled it to the Brim" And because of her and who she was that's what I keep trying to do, what we all should do. I think that's why I end my ramblings with those words.
Never let a day go by that you havent given it your all, put everything into it that you possibly can, savor every memory no matter how small it might seem at the moment. Don't dwell only on the hurts, pains or losses in your life...Dwell on the memories that make you smile way deep inside your heart. Those three days, yup I remember them and a part of me cries, but they are only 3 days in a lifetime of memories and the rest make me smile.
Sorry about all this, but it's just been one of those days. No tears ladies, I am not crying...I am smiling....I have memories and they fill my heart with JOY!!!!!
To Patti..."Love you Kiddo...See you later"

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